HOW TO RECOGNISE A SCIENTIST

SOCIAL SKILLS
Scientists have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

 "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social

interaction:

* Stimulating and thought provoking conversation;

* Important social contacts;

* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, scientists have rational objectives for

social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible;

* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;

* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

2. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

 To the scientist, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two

catagories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need

to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Scientists like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily

available, they will create their own. "Normal" people don't understand this concept, they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Scientists

believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No scientist looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would

take to turn it into a stun gun. No scientist can take a shower without

wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.

To the scientist, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and

feature-poor toys.

3. FASHION AND APPEARANCE

 Clothes are the lowest priority for a scientist, assuming the basic

thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.

4. LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

 Scientists love all of the Star Trek TV shows and movies. It's a small

wonder, since the scientists on the USS Enterprise are portrayed as heroes,

occasionally even having sex with aliens. this is much more glamorous than

the life of a real scientist, which consists of hiding from the Universe and having sex without the participation of any other life forms.

5. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

 Dating is never easy for scientists. A "normal" person will employ various

indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of

attractiveness. Scientists are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, scientists have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised

as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,

and handy around the house. While it's true that most "normal" people would

prefer not to date a scientist, most normal people harbour an intense

desire to mate with them, thus producing scientist-like children who will

have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male scientists reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than most

"normal" men, becoming irresistable erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to

late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistable men in

technical professions:

* Bill Gates

* MacGyver

Female scientists become irresistable at the age of consent and remain that

way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a

warm day.

6. HONESTY

 Scientists are always honest in matters of technology and human

relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep scientists away from

customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth.

Scientists sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that

sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to

believe them. The complete list of scientist lies is stated below:

 "I won't change anything without asking you first."

 "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."

 "I have to have new equipment to do my job/research."

 "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

7. FRUGALITY

 Scientists are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean

spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem

in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining

the greatest amount of cash?"
_____________________________________________________________
You might be a Physics major :
 if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
 if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
 if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
 if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
 if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
 if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
 if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
 if you always do homework on Friday nights.
 if you think in "math."
 if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down
its wave function.
 if you have a pet named after a scientist.
 if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
 if you can translate English into Binary.
 if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building
which says "Exit."
 if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
 If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
 if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
 if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
 if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math
easier.
 if you understood more than five of these indicators.
 if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
____________________________________________________________________




This message was written entirely with recycled electrons.




I can travel through time and I do ... at the rate of one second per second.




A rolling stone gathers momentum.




All that glitters has a high refractive index.




Friction can be a drag sometimes.




Power corrupts, but we need electricity.




Energy equals milk chocolate square




Entropy isn't what it used to be...




What did the neutrino say to the earth
"just passing through"




WATT is the unit of power?




Q: What's the difference between Max Factor and Quantum Theorist?
A: Max Factor has models that work.




Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.




Q:  Why did the two photons become a particle?
A: When they met they were getting bored with high speed
travel and  decided to make something of themselves




7. HONESTY
Scientists are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep scientists away from
customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth.
Scientists sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to
believe them. The complete list of scientist lies is stated below:
 "I won't change anything without asking you first."
 "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
 "I have to have new equipment to do my job/research."
 "I'm not jealous of your new computer."




The fastest way to get a scientist to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable. No scientist can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
the scientist off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
personal - a battle between the scientist and the laws of nature.







The following phrases, frequently found in technical writings, are defined
below for your enlightenment.
Phrase                               Translation
------------------------------------------------
It has been long known...............I haven't bothered to check the references
It is known..........................I believe
It is believed.......................I think
It is generally believed.............My collegues and I think
There has been some discussion.......Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown......................Take my word for it
It is proven.........................It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance......I find it interesting
Of great practical importance........This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance.......This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study...The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown............The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude....Wrong
The values were obtained empirically.The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive.........The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required..........Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that..............I have a good answer to this objection
The investigations proved rewarding..My grant has been renewed
From: eridani#NoSpam.scn.org (Martha K. Koester)
Synthesised according to.............Purchased from Sigma
standard protocols
Thanks to Joe Blow for expert........Thanks to Joe Blow for doing
technical assistance and Jane        all the work and Jane Doe for
Doe for valuable discussion.         telling me what it meant.
From: neve#NoSpam.up.univ-mrs.fr (Gabriel NEVE)
While it has not been possible.......The experiments didn't work out,
to provide definite answers to       but I figured I could at least
these questions.                     get a publication out of it.
Mus musculus domesticus..............Mus musculus domesticus
was chosen as especially suitable to is a lovely animal
test this hypothesis.                which is easy to study in
                                     the lab.
Accidentally strained during.........dropped on the floor
mounting
Handled with extreme care............not dropped on the floor
throughout the experiments
Although some detail has been........It is impossible to tell from the
lost in reproduction, it is clear    original micrograph.
from the original micrograph
Presumably at longer times...........I didn't take the time to find out.
The agreement with the predicted
curve is...
        excellent                     fair
        good                          poor
        satisfactory                  doubtful
        fair                          imaginary
        as good as could be expected  non-existent
The most reliable values are..........Jones was a student of mine.
those of Jones.
It is suggested that...
It is believed that...               I think that...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that........A couple of other guys think so too.
It is clear that much additional.....I don't understand it.
work will be required before
a complete understanding...
Unfortunately, a quantitative........Neither does anybody else.
theory to account for these effects
has not  been formulated.
It is hoped that this work will......This paper isn't very good, but
stimulate further work in the field. neither are any of the others in
                                     this miserable subject.
High purity..........................Composition unknown except for
Very high purity                     the exaggerated claims of the
                                     suppliers
A fiducial reference line on.........A scratch.
the specimen...
[adapted by Dominic Semple and Gabriel Neve from 'A glossary for research
reports' by C.D. Graham, Jr., Metal Progress Vol 71, No. 5, 1957, and
Technology Review, January 1977]
And the last one from mammalogists :
Arvicola voles were found as         The radio-traking collars we've
especially suitable to investigate   got are too big for Microtus
this interesting ecological problem  vole species.
 From: "Dennis Davis" <dennov#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
"A definite trend is evident"...     These data are practically meaningless.
"These results will be in a subsequent report"...  I might get around to
this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience"...  Once!
"In case after case"...  Twice!
"In a series of cases"...  Thrice!
"It is believed that"...  I think...
etc. (see above)
"A highly significant area for exploratory study"...  A totally useless
topic selected by my committee.